Something To Look Forward To

Lahaina, Maui (Picture taken from the Internet)

The morning that we were getting ready for Dad's funeral, Mike had to call into a meeting for work. I remember feeling slightly annoyed that they had asked him to call in. Mike has telephone conference calls that he does every Tuesday from the house. They involve people in his immediate office and also some of the head people in Atlanta that run the company. Mike wasn't looking forward to the call. He thought he might be getting a lecture on the fact that the group of people he manages, were slightly behind on their tasks. Little did he know, there would be no lecture in that phone call.

Mike's boss announced during the conference call who would be receiving the companies employee award this year. This award goes to an employee who went above and beyond their required duties. Mike was speechless when they announced that he was being given the award this year and that we would be getting a four day paid trip to St. Martin. When he told me about it after he got off the phone, I thought he was joking.

The trip was planned for the end of April with some of the people that are in charge of the company. We had the option of going on the trip or receiving the money that would be spent on the trip. We looked over the dates and details....two full days of travel....and two full days in St. Martin. We had a hard time deciding what to do. In the end, we decided to take the money and plan our own trip. When Mike and I were married....cough...cough...coming up on 17 years ago, we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon. We decided then that we would try and make it back for our 10th anniversary. Well, it never happened. All our trips are to California, Utah, Disneyland, the Oregon coast etc., (kid friendly trips.)

The end of April we will be heading to Lahaina, Maui and staying in a condo right on the beach, for six nights and seven days. It makes me smile to just think about it. I've been psychically and mentally exhausted lately, so I'm hoping this trip will be good for my soul. A chance to breathe, relax and spend some alone time with Mike. The kids will be staying with my Mom, so I'm sure they will be nice company for her.

So let the count down begin..... only 14 days until we will feel the warm sun upon us!

Four Weeks

This evening marked four weeks since losing Dad. I don't know where four weeks has gone, and that kind of scares me. I think that I like the first stage of grief better than the second. Good old denial. It's much better than the next stage: pain. Over the last month I have thought a few times, that just maybe, I would wake up and Dad would still be here. I kept thinking that denial was a strange phase. Hadn't I just watched my Dad deteriorate before my eyes? My family and I held his hands for five days straight, we watched him struggle for every breath and then heard and watched as he took his final few breaths of life. How could I possibly feel that in any way what he or we had just been through, was all just a nightmare? Denial has a way of making you feel like you are a little wacky in the head.

I have to function for my kids. They have to go to school, they need their lunches made, dinner cooked for them, and their homework looked after. But I know that "I'm" not really there right now, I'm just going through the motions, my mind is a million miles away. I hear very little that is said to me. I'm preoccupied with the thought of my Dad not being here anymore....all the time. Almost like a red blinking light before my eyes....he's gone.....he's gone...... My heart aches, my soul is weary, and the rest of me just feels numb. I'm thankful that I don't have any guilt over anything. I have nothing that I would have changed or done differently regarding my Dad. I gave him all I had to give, and I think he knew that. I didn't just tell him that I loved him, I showed him the love that I had for him. That alone, is a small comfort in this deep sea of grief.

I remember a few weeks ago making a comment about feeling like most of the things that I pray about, that I don't get the answer I'm hoping for. I wanted Dad to some how just be okay, I wanted one more miracle for him. Last night I came across this quote, and it instantly struck me that I needed to learn from it. "People who pray for miracles, don't usually get miracles.....But people who pray for courage, for strength to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what they have left, instead of what they have lost, very often find their prayers answered.....Their prayers help them tap hidden reserves of faith and courage which were not available to them before." - Harold S. Kushner

Two weeks ago when I was mowing, I had this strange sensation that my Dad was walking beside me. I remember thinking that if his spirit was near, what an odd place and time for him to show up. I couldn't let the opportunity pass by though, and I whispered to him, ...."I love you Dad."

He may have taken a piece of my heart with him, but he will forever be a part of my heart that is left. "To live in the hearts that we leave behind is not to die." - Thomas Campbell-Leo Buscaglia

I love you Dad........

Easter 2010

Today we had a Easter brunch at our house with our family, Nana, Uncle Brett, our nephew Trevor and our neighbor Parker (who's family was out of town.) After brunch we all headed over to the cemetery to take Dad some Easter flowers. Dad's headstone was up last Sunday when we visited, but it was pouring rain and we didn't remember to bring our camera. Hopefully they will get the grass in soon in this section. The wind was blowing and it had knocked over a lot of the flowers that people had brought. The kids enjoyed walking all over the cemetery fixing everything that had fallen over.

Something about seeing his name on this headstone is very surreal for me. I know he is no longer with us, but there is a big part of me that wants to think he is just off flying on a work trip. I guess he is on a different kind of trip. Dad's just flying with angel wings instead.

(Mom with Dad)

(Brett and I with Dad)

Emily made Papa his own egg.